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orchestral personel standards.



 
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Big Dave88
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 4:17 am    Post subject: orchestral personel standards. Reply with quote

enjoy!







conductor -
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

concertmaster -
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.

oboist -
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.

horn player -
Barely clears quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
forwards God's emails. hands with st. peter and st. paul.

bassoonist -
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.

second violinist -
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.

manager -
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.

TRUMPET PLAYER -
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is occasionally addressed by God. Hangs with Gabriel and Michael.





the original is here -
http://www.angelfire.com/jazz/papermusic/orchpers.html
if you want to check it out...
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Dale Proctor
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 4:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's something similar out there for brass band personnel...
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kehaulani
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 3:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I believe that list began in the military comparing various rank, ending with a Second Lieutenant and a senior NCO. Pretty clever. It was presented to me on the first day of my first assignment as a Second Lieutenant . . . lest I forget the normal order of things, LOL.
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Crazy Finn
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 6:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gee, that wasn't biased at all...
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Craig Swartz
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 7:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Does Robert King still list that "Trumpet Player's Handbook" (specified as "humor")? (Think that's what it was called.) Some a-hole ran off with mine but it pegged everyone in an orchestra pretty well, even within the trumpet section itself.
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RandyTX
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 8:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Brass Band version:

The Archetypal Brass Band

1 Eb Soprano cornet: too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band.
1 Principal cornet: conceited, uses too much vibrato.
1 Second man down or bumper upper: either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero worships the principal.
1 Third man down: loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse.
1 Fourth man down: like third man down, only louder and thicker!
1 Repiano cornet: waiting for a chance to play principal.
2 2nd cornets: hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C
2 3rd cornets: loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G
1 Flugelhorn: plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn
1 Solo horn: usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player
2 Tenor horns: can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead.
1st Baritone: useless player, out of tune all the time
2nd Baritone: even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried
2 Euphoniums: show-off and trainee show-off
1 1st trombone: steam driven. Rasps most of the time
1 2nd trombone: sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo
1 Bass trombone: chainsaw with vibrato
2 Eb basses: look like two drunken farts
2 Bb basses: sound like two drunken farts
Percussion: Has lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm.
Conductor: So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good!
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Crazy Finn
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 8:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


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LA Benge 3X Bb Trumpet
Selmer Radial Bb Trumpet
Yamaha 6335S Bb Trumpet
Besson 709 Bb Trumpet
Bach 184L Bb Cornet
Yamaha 731 Bb Flugelhorn
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Big Dave88
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 10:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

nice!
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Andy Del
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2011 5:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Someone knows the last brass band I played in, as loudest and thickest member of the cornet section. Dunno about the trombones however, they didn't seem capable of rasping the skin off a rice pudding...

cheers

Andy
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